reflecting on our neo-digital world

I'm sure many Gen Z and Millennials alike would all agree that this new hyper-social-ai-tiktok-reel-ad-clickbait-mrbeast bullshit is getting old. Growing up in the 2000/2010s, I remember having a computer lab period and getting to play CoolMathGames or GirlsGoGames, Papa's Pizzeria, Nitrotyping, Animal Jam and Club Penguin. We'd get 15 minutes of games if we were lucky and finished our work fast. These 15 minutes were blissful, spent with laser focus as we raced against the clock. CoolMathGames has ads on games now, but I'm honestly not sure if there were any when we were growing up. Point is, this neo-social world we've been dumped into is an all-consuming conglomeration of garbage. 

Growing Up 'Gifted'

I've begun 'soulsearching' as one might call it, utterly exasperated by how this hyper-digital world makes me feel and think. I miss being intellectual, with my nose always in a book, learning new big words, being part of the smart kids group in class. Funny enough, my childhood best friend attends Yale and is studying Molecular Biophysics and Biochemistry; and another childhood friend at Stanford. She came out a genius and I, somewhere down the line, got left behind. Honestly, she will probably find the cure to cancer. Whilst I’m over here, smoking a cigarette in my bed, hunched over my laptop, typing on my silly blog when I have a laundry list of summer homework that should be attended to. I don't think I can project/deflect the responsibility onto anyone but myself, which might be the hardest part of it all to come to terms with. In my defense, my parents never cared about grades or homework or screentime, I was completely autonomous as a tween and always very independent. While my best friend was strategically calculating her life aspirations to manifest her ivy future, I was too busy loudly condemning TikTok, standing my ground that I would never transition to the platform after Musically was tragically euthanized. Fourteen year old me was heartbroken, I must add.

The Garbage Machine

We experienced the real world, the world when social interaction dominated digital. I cannot describe this new feeling as anything less than AI fatigue. It’s become a cheap and lousy way for people to mass produce garbage that some 9 and 10 year olds are viewing as cinema entertainment, and a pathway for many to make millions of dollars. I won’t be touching on the environmental or political implications of the negatives of AI, but we all know what I mean. I also won’t lie and pretend I’ve never used ChatGPT because truthfully, I often have. The reason this is becoming such a divisive issue is because it becomes exponentially difficult to find substantive content in any and all corners of the internet. I mean hello… I thought we learned our lesson from literally any robot AI movie ever that this is not the best idea?

When I Felt Alive

As a human, I’m struggling to feel present. As a ‘creative’, I’m struggling to find passion and authenticity in a field with explicit prerequisites of passion and authenticity. In our  hyper-connected world, I can’t help but feel completely isolated. And I know there are ways to find community, clubs, organizations, programs and so on, and it probably, actually, definitely is my fault I’m not looking for them. I miss the overwhelming sensation of feeling alive; being 12 years old absolutely stampeding through neighborhoods, ding-dong-ditching, swimming in the ocean, listening to One Direction for the first time. In the rare instances I did go online, I’d write punchy op-eds, history reports, mostly on Ancient Egypt, (I’ve noticed many people my age say Ancient Egypt was their childhood historic hyperfixation too, oddly) and fictional stories, many of which my mom still references as she was convinced they’d become classic literature. The minutes of the day went by ever so slowly, every one of which was accounted for either playing outside or reading in my bay window seat. I miss my life before I had technology. 

Operation: Unrot my brain

Today, I’m working towards clarity and finding ways to unrot and unmush my extremely rotted and mushed brain. On my bedroom door I’ve taped a piece of paper that reads:

“Summer Goals: unrot my brain, make more art, journal daily, read books, save $, more time outdoors, photography, kill my phone dependency, build healthy dopamine habits, therapy.”

This must be a conscious effort, and certainly not an easy one. I’ve begun reading Atomic Habits, which I believe anyone would say is a staple read for life transformation. I’ve deleted TikTok, because I learned that swiping through short-form content gives your brain cheap & easy dopamine hits, which keeps you addicted, and ultimately inhibits your ability to deeply feel happy over time. After reading this I realized yep, I’m patient zero, and I can’t let this get any worse. I’ve discovered Substack, an online publishing platform filled to the brim with bright-eyed writers from all genres, who escaped the artificial world by following the light to the sanctuary of written integrity. (disclaimer: there is some AI writing on Substack, of course, but it’s the minority and I pray it stays this way) 

In all, I hope we soon come to a breaking point where the counterculture against AI usage and conformity becomes so strong, that we can transform the ways our younger generations think. We need to return to a time of ingenuity, authenticity, and vulnerability.